...but after reading my friends' lists of Stuff They Are Thankful For, I am inspired. So here goes (in no particular order):

1. My family, even though they're ridiculously overprotective
2. My friends, even though they make fun of me
3. My animals, and the fact that they love me even though they live lives of STUPID and BORING
4. The History Channel
5. Salads with marshmallows in them
6. My sewing machine
7. Starbucks
8. I-20
9. Indoor plumbing
10. Hair products
11. Books
12. Turtleneck sweaters
13. Badass boots
14. Being a mere pawn in my friends' nefarious plans (Beth, I'm talking to you)
15. Cute boys
16. Endless possibilities
17. Personal responsibility
18. The fact that people underestimate me
19. Henrietta the Hen Purse
20. Wine
21. Disney World
22. I have friends with whom I can discuss how survivors trapped in Disney World would fare during the Zombie Apocalypse
23. Said friends continue to take me seriously after we have discussions regarding how survivors trapped in Disney World would fare during the Zombie Apocalypse.
24. The punk cabaret
25. My apartment
26. Fiona Fit
27. MY BED
28. That I do not live in a McMansion
29. That my life will never, ever be normal
30. That I'll probably never Rock the Suburbs
31. That I'm Still Fighting It
32. Wondering Who Killed Amanda Palmer
33. Ben Folds
34. That I'm the only one who gets my jokes sometimes (or at least that I'm the only one who thinks they're funny)
35. Neil Gaiman
36. The CBLDF
37. That we live in a country where organizations like the CBLDF can legally exist
38. Tattoos
39. That I engage in activities that other people think are pointless and a waste of time
40. That I am painfully self-aware
41. That other people don't know that about me
42. Making fun of people with Oh Mere of Mine
43. Chefs
44. Flirting with Penguin
45. Bird's legal advice (without which I would have been sued 84,000 times by now)
46. Haikus
47. Lucienne's red velvet sofa
48. That I met Robin Goodfellow (the Mick Jagger of the dog world) yesterday
49. Dance (though I sometimes wish I'd never done it so I couldn't miss it)
50. Vogue

And all of you.

I hope you all had magnificent Thanksgivings, my darlings! And that you stuffed yourselves silly.



Your most grateful
Kel
Who is never eating again

Questions from arthursimone!

Here are the rules:
1. If you want, leave a comment saying, "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very personal nature.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone?

Allow me to preface this by saying I don't think I'm mean; I don't say untrue things to people for the purpose of hurting them. I am, however, blunt and rather impatient. And as I think everyone knows by now, I don't suffer fools easily. Plus, I am as fierce and stubborn as a bulldog where my family's concerned.

A few months ago, my mom caught bronchitis. One Saturday, she was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I was concerned enough to call her doctor's answering service and have him paged. He called me back right away.

"Hi, this is Kelly," I said, "My mom saw you a couple days ago for bronchitis, and now she's having a very hard time breathing. She's taken her decongestants and a hot shower. What else should we do?"

"Well," he answered, "She has bronchitis."

"Yes, I know," I said. "But she's having a really, REALLY hard time breathing."

"That's the bronchitis," he informed me.

We went on this way for several more minutes, until I couldn't take it anymore. "LOOK," I exploded, "did you GO to medical school in Granada? I KNOW she has bronchitis but am telling you that she CAN'T BREATHE. NOT BREATHING leads to DEATH, and in case you missed that day in med school, DEATH, unlike BRONCHITIS, is INCURABLE."

He met us at the emergency room.

2. You live in shreveport. Why in the hell do you live in shreveport??

Like so many things in my life, living in Shreveport was not The Plan. I was born here but, as my parents have the worst case of wanderlust known to man, have lived all over the place. Mom and Dad eventually retired here. I moved back to Shreveport after a Very Bad Event (i.e., husband unceremoniously dumping self and marrying chief reason for divorce), intending for my stay in Shreveport to be temporary. And it was! In May of 2005, I moved to New Orleans, one of my favorite cities in the world.

Class, what happened in August of 2005?

Back to Shreveport goes Kel.

One year later, my parents came out of retirement to buy a business. And they needed me. Then my brother moved to Shreveport. He needs me too.

Shreveport's definitely not high on my list of Places I'm Dying to Live, but the best way I can explain it is that now is the time to do this. And while Shreveport leaves a lot to be desired, in many ways I like it just fine. I've made lots of incredible friends and found my mentor - the sparkly, wonderful, talented, generous, admirable Lucienne!

3. If your hen purse came alive for a minute and could answer one question, what would you ask her?

"How do I make the perfect Pimm's Cup?"

4. Of all reality tv shows, which do you think you could actually win?

Amazing Race, definitely. I've actually wanted to try out for it several times but have never found anyone who would try out with me.

5. What'd you do in a past life to warrant reincarnation into *shreveport*??

I'm just lucky I didn't come back as a dung beetle.

1) Bold those you have tried
2) Strikethrough those you wouldn't eat on a bet.
2a) Italicize any item you'll never eat again.
2b) Asterisk any items you'd be interested in trying but have not yet.

Dear Parents: Thank you for rearing me to be an EXTREMELY adventurous eater. There are precious few things I would never eat.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea***
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile (but I've had 'gator)***
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp***
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi*** (I don't actually know what this is)
15. Hot dog from a street cart - Your body's not a temple, it's a ROLLER COASTER RIDE!
16. Epoisses*** (?)
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns*** (Eh?)
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries (As a child, one of my punishments was picking muscadines)
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese***
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper (Name a pepper. I've eaten it raw.)
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda*** (Although this does not, honestly, sound very tasty.)
31. Wasabi peas (Favorite bar snack!)
32. Clam chowder
33. Salted lassi***
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea************
38. Vodka jelly************
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail***
41. Curried goat***
42. Whole insects*** (As long as it's not a spider. That I cannot do.)
43. Phaal***
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu***
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin************
51. Prickly pear (I actually looked over and asked my mom, "Mom, have I ever eaten a prickly pear?" "It's been a while, but yeah," she answered.)
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine***
60. Carob chips*** (I've had carob, but not in the form of chips)
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin***
64. Currywurst***
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis*
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette*
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini*** (I've had caviar, but not blinis)
73. Louche absinthe************
74. Gjetost, or brunost***
75. Roadkill*
76. Baijiu***
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong***
80. Bellini
81. Toam yum***
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky***
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare************
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse*
90. Criollo chocolate************ (Chocolate?! I'm there!)
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa***
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake***

...except all of you, of course; I love you guys. Unless you were one-half of that weird couple at the movie theatre who kept staring at me and smiling. THEN I HATE YOU TOO.

Srsly. What the fuck. Who does that? Do they not have any idea how CREEPY that is? Like, they kept casting these furtive (furtive!) glances in my direction and half-smiling.

And of course I'm all, "What the hell? What are you, retarded, Mormon, or just Canadian?" In my head, of course, not out loud.

(My apologies to all retarded Canadian Mormons. You are a fine and noble people. I'm just pissed at the world right now.)

And Jennifer said, "Dude. You have the worst case of PMS in the history of western medicine. They must know you from somewhere."

To which I replied loudly, "I DO NOT KNOW ANY PEOPLE WHO DRESS THAT BADLY."

I know. I am evil incarnate.

So as long as we're (I'm) being bitchy, here is a list of Things Kel Hates:

1. When people do not have their shit together in the concession line at the movie theatre. Have your wallet out before you step up to the counter. Decide what you want ahead of time. Tell the kid, get your crap, and get the hell out of my way. I mean it. Let me get my gummy bears and go watch my movie. 'Cause I have the ability to make decisions quickly AND I WILL USE IT ON YOU.

2. People who talk in movie theatres (i.e., not whisper). This is not Mystery Science Theater 3000. I am not interested in your witty running commentary. You are watching 27 Dresses in an afternoon matinee in Shreveport, Louisiana. You cannot be that fascinating or YOU WOULD BE SOMEWHERE ELSE (present company included).

3. To the lady who DRANK out of MY DIET COKE when it was in MY CUPHOLDER that YOU SAID I COULD USE:

You will burn in hell.

-----

I think it may be time for my next dose of Midol now, and perhaps a nap. Someone's cranky

AND IT'S ME.



Your hormonal
Kel (aka Captain Crankypants)

So I just got home from Michaels, where I bought roughly 50 million dollars' worth of useless crap which I will use, rather ironically, to paste a bunch of useless crap that I do not want to throw away in my scrapbook because I pride myself on not hoarding useless crap.

Right. Moving along.

So I get home AND

THE APARTMENT
IS
CLEEEAAAN!!!
(No thanks to me.)

Two of my favorite people in the whole wide world, the cleaning ladies, came while I was gone!

(I swear, it's like the Tooth Fairy for grownups. Except they clean, not buy teeth, I guess. And you pay them, instead of them paying you. So I guess it's really nothing like the Tooth Fairy at all.)

(Shut up.)

And in the midst of all this sweet-smelling cleanliness, what do you suppose I found?

SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS (Chihuahua) took a giant piss right in the middle of my clean floor. Seriously, I think she'd been saving up.

So when I'd cleaned THAT up, I sat down to eat some leftover Buffalo wings, and Chihuahua of the Noah's-Ark-Esque Piss had the nerve to be all, like, "YOU GIVE CHICKEN TO CHIHUAHUA?! CHIHUAHUA LIKE CHICKEN TOO!" and quickly became Chihuahua, Scorned Dog and Leader of Life of Misery. And I spent the entire time explaining to her, "NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE BUFFALO WINGS. YOU WILL SHIT YOUR EVER-LOVING BRAINS OUT FOR FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS."

(And Chihuahua was like, "CHIHUAHUA NO CARE. CHIHUAHUA NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE MEAN LADY KEEP PAPER TOWELS.")

Le sigh.

So anyway, while at Michaels, I ran across a giant foam-rubber P and an equally large and rubbery Q, and I was quite tempted to buy them and hot-glue them to the Bird's car while he was not looking. Which started me thinking, you know, I have more nicknames than any one human being should have to keep up with.

1. P.Q. (Bird)
2. Poppet (avidchick)
3. K.P. (High school nickname)
4. Poochie (Parents) (If any of you call me Poochie, I will punch you in the face.) (The next time I see you.)

(If I remember.)

5. Harley (Hef, Matt, Kelly, H.B., et al)
6. Kel (Duh)
7. Miss Holloway (Penguin)
8. Slim Pickens (My brother)
9. Aunt KK (My nephew John)
10. The Notorious P.I.G. (Bird and Mere)
11. Mieux - with variations, e.g., Special Forces Mieux, Special Forces Mieux With Kung Fu Grip, etc. (Bird)
12. LB Mom (Karla's girls)
13. Auntie Kel (Fairlyn)
14. Miss Kelly (Karla's Girls)
15. Turkey (Aunt Carol - the day I was born, there was an advertisement in the paper for turkeys on sale at some grocery store, and the ad line read "TURKEY IS #1!")
16. Toots (Carol)
17. Mean Lady (Chihuahua and Wednesday)
18. Scarlett (guy I went on a couple dates with who now thinks I'm really mean)
19. K.P. Flea (ex-boyfriend - he was P.T. Flea and Chihuahua was Chi Chi Flea)

And those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. It makes it really confusing when signing Christmas cards. I mean, if Hef got a Christmas card signed "Mieux," the system could break down entirely.

And y'all wonder why I can't remember anything anymore.



Your beleaguered
Kel

Kel's New Year's Resolutions (in no particular order):

1. Improve digital photography
2. Get passport (goal for '09: use passport)
3. In the words of The Life of Brian, accentuate the positive
4. Be happy
5. Run every 5k in Shreveport
6. Learn to cook one new dish which does not start out in a box
7. Makeover apartment into "sublime sanctuary"--note that this may require new apartment
8. Send adopted soldier (via www.soldiersangels.org) one letter per week and 2 care packages per month
9. Take bellydancing class (WHAT. I've always wanted to learn how to do that crazy hip-shaking thing)
10. Be an example of the good in the world



Your resolved
Kel