Regular readers of this blog know that I whine a great deal about the lack of eligible bachelors in Shreveport, Louisiana.

"I WANT A DAAAAATE! I NEED A DAAAAATE! WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY DAAAAATES?"

Being a big fan of a little something known as "personal responsibility" and also willing to do just about anything for your amusement and edification, I joined Match.com for one month. Remember? I wrote about it here. Then I met this cute guy and accidentally gave him almost all my personal information, which I wrote about here.

Well, the Catastrophic Coffee Date fell through for a variety of reasons too long and boring to go into, so we instead decided to meet for dinner tonight.

In all my moaning about wanting a DAAAAATE, the fact that all dates must begin with the dreaded First Date was wiped from my consciousness. See, all the "dates" I've been on in the recent past have been with people I already know or people I've met through friends, so no one calls it a Date (in the manner of teenagers standing around in parents' basements smoking pot in lieu of dating. Not that I have ever done that on a date. Well, not since high school, anyway). And as long as no one calls it a Date, I can live happily in denial, telling myself that, Pffft! It's not a date! We're just hanging out!

Well, the concept of "Date" came back to me this afternoon at about 4:30. I was to meet the guy, whom we shall refer to as The Guy (WHAT. I've only got so much creativity to give here, people) at 6:00.

So my evening went something like this:

4:30 - 5:00 PANIC. BLIND PANIC. Call Mere, Emily and Jessica and freak the hell out. Friends wonder if am actually qualified for life in any way.

5:00 - 5:05 Select outfit. Mere insisted that must wear The Kel Uniform (i.e., turtleneck sweater, denim pencil skirt, badass boots and chunky jewelry) as that is "who [I am], and the whole point of a first date is to showcase who [I am]." Decide to wear dangly topaz earrings avidchick made for me last Valentine's Day as good luck charms.

5:05 - 5:10 Arrange hair. Bemoan fact that hair is uncontrollable and messy. Wrangle hair into ponytail-type arrangement and decide that messy hair is integral part of Who Clothes_Slut Is.

5:10 - 5:15 Smoke cigarette and stare at Chihuahua in vain attempt to calm self. Chihuahua leaves room, as is frightened by Mean Lady's wild-eyed stare.

5:15 - 5:20 Consider calling other girlfriends but decide that friends are very worried about self as is.

5:20 - 5:30 Begin makeup application. Try to remember that New York Times, Village Voice reporters and similar frequently go undercover in very dangerous situations in order to get good story. Decide to think of self as intrepid girl reporter. Remember while applying eyeshadow that watched History Channel program on vampires last night, and New York Times reporter disappeared after infiltrating vampire coven in West Village. Curse History Channel, reporter and self ad nauseam. Hope that The Guy is not vampire. Or zombie. Dismiss zombie scenario as unlikely, as The Guy has yet to make any mention of BRAAAAAIIIIINS.

5:30 - 5:45 Take off and put back on various items of clothing, jewelry and shoes. End up wearing same thing was wearing in first place.

5:45 - 5:50 Walk outside. Discover is very cold out. Return to apartment, try on three different coats and four different scarves before deciding on appropriate coat and scarf. Realize have lost ever-loving mind. Wonder why self owns so many coats and scarves, as self lives in Louisiana and only wears coats four days out of average year.

5:50 - 5:55 Go to ATM. Know that guys traditionally pay for dates, but do not wish to be presumptuous. Am Independent, Modern Woman, after all.

6:00 Arrive at Barnes and Noble. Text friend. While texting friend, catch whiff of (expensive-smelling) noticeable but subtle men's cologne. Know The Guy has arrived before even look up from phone.

6:00 - 8:10 Have very good First Date. Eat copious amounts of Lebanese food. Learn what exactly "chains on tires" are and what purpose they serve (The Guy is from "Up North," as Louisiana girls say). Discuss The Office, Kevin Smith movies, Disney World, zombies, haunted houses, PETA protests, President-elect Obama, Proposition 8 and snow, among other things. Have very good time indeed. Realize that am idiot and that there was nothing to freak out about in first place.

8:10 - 8:15 The Guy walks self to car. Do not kiss The Guy (duh), but decide might want to at some point in future.

8:15 - 8:30 Drive to Walgreens. Reward self for not falling down, vomiting, etc. by purchasing Olay Warming Pedicure for self.

8:45 Arrive home. Receive very nice text message from The Guy.

9:00 - Present Write about how neurotic and insecure self is for whole internet to read.

So there you have it! Three hours' worth of How to Go on a First Date With a Neurotic Bachelor Girl. You know, should you ever need a tutorial on such a thing. That's me! Always here to help her fellow man. And woman.

Off to give myself a warming pedicure.



Your giddy
Kel

For they let me play with knives and fire in the same evening.

Dear Jennifer and Swell Nathan:

Why did you do that? Don't do that.

Love,
The Rest of the World

Way back when (you know, 10 months ago or so), I made a New Year's resolution to learn to cook one dish that did not originate in a box.

DONE!

Swell Nathan taught me, the girl who can barely boil water, to cook a WHOLE CHICKEN! And make chicken stock! And mashed potatoes! And roasted asparagus! And...something else, but I can't remember right now.

(In other news, I am sick. AGAIN. PEOPLE, I AM STILL ON ANTIBIOTICS FROM LAST TIME. All the bacteria in the world have apparently decided to gang up on me. So if you've ever wanted to lick a toilet seat, eat raw pork, visit a leper colony, etc., now's your chance - the bacteria are not looking, because they're far too busy setting up shop in my sinuses. So I'm on pharmaceuticals, which in my lame world, means one thing: I'M HIGH. Which makes me think I'm funny.)

(How nice for YOU!)

In addition to teaching me how to, you know, cook stuff, Swell Nathan and Jennifer also taught me to make jewelry. Which is pretty much everything I've ever wanted in the world, since I think I am Martha Stewart and OMG SPARKLIES!

You may not know this, but Jennifer and Swell Nathan make jewelry. And when I say "make jewelry," I mean they, like, MAKE IT FROM SCRATCH. They have an Etsy store and everything! Which is here: Avidchick Jewelry

I know, right? GORGEOUS.

Jennifer and Swell Nathan? If y'all ever decide to take up polygamy, I'M IN.

And now, the photographic evidence!

Tampa! Part Three

Your chicken-roasting
Kel

Mouse introduced me to Thai food. Ever since, I've been hooked. I love rice noodles, coconut, citrus, lemongrass, peppers and peanuts, so I suppose my affection for Thai cuisine was inevitable. When I first moved to Shreveport, it didn't have a SINGLE Thai restaurant, and I mourned this travesty at great length.

Sunday, Jennifer, Swell Nathan and I made our way to the Thai temple in the late morning. Basically, the deal is this: Each family who worships at the temple prepares food to sell on certain Sundays each month. They set up at long tables in a pavillion, and people from the community come and buy the food, then they eat at the many picnic tables by the water. The families then donate all the money they make from the sale of the food to the temple. Jennifer and Swell Nathan found out about it through Creative Loafing, and they've gone frequently ever since.

Many of the temple members don't speak fantastic English (though many probably speak English better than I do), but everyone communicates pretty well nevertheless. All anyone really needs to know is "This," "How much?" and "Thank you." I surveyed the landscape, then swooped in for the kill.

Cute side story: One Sunday, Jennifer went into the pavillion and indicated to one of the ladies that she wanted to try some sort of orange-colored dish, probably a mango salad. Jennifer pointed to the dish and said, "This, please."

"Nooo..." came the answer from a little old Thai lady.
Jennifer was understandably confused. She indicated the dish again. "This?"
"Nooo..."
Jennifer held up some cash. "I have money, I can pay! I'd really like this, please."
"Nooo..."
To this day, Jennifer doesn't know what the deal was. Maybe the lady figured it was something Jennifer wouldn't like.

I'm gonna be real honest with y'all right now. I don't really know what I ate. All I know is it was fanTASTic.

Jennifer and Swell Nathan found a table for us right near the water (as in, if I had walked three steps from our table, I would have found myself IN the water), and we dug in.

After we finished eating, we decided to have a look inside the temple. I didn't take any pictures inside, of course, since that's you know, just rude, but I think from the outside pictures you can tell that it was one of the most magnificently beautiful things I have ever seen.

(When we walked - barefoot - into the temple and kneeled, I gasped, it was so gorgeous. Swell Nathan just looked over at me and smiled.)

As delicious as the food was, as breathtaking as the temple was, as good as the company was, the most important part of the day was a grand cultural lesson that I learned because of the experience:

Church ladies are church ladies no matter where they're from, what language they speak or who they worship.

Seriously. Except for the notable lack of Sicillian food, it was more or less exactly like the St. Joseph altar at my church.

I couldn't understand their language, but boy howdy, I know me some church ladies, and they were gossiping and fussing at each other and their kids and grandkids just exactly like the church ladies at St. Joseph. I was expecting, at any moment, someone to grab me by the arm and demand to know why I'm not married yet.

Some things naturally transcend nationality and religion, I suppose.

I'm just glad no one bugged me about why I haven't yet birthed a litter of Catholic (or Buddhist) babies.

And now, the part everyone's waiting (or wading) for: PIKTURZ!

Tampa! Part Two

Your table mannered
Kel

My brain is still a little foggy. I feel like I slept forever last night. It's funny; I had so much fun with Jennifer and Swell Nathan in Tampa that I never felt the least bit tired all weekend, even though we were going a million miles an hour the whole time I was there. Ah, well. Reality has set back in and I'm feeling the after-effects of a trip that included more activity than I've done in a very long time!

And boy, was it ever fun.

Friday night, about 10:00 p.m. Tampa time, Jennifer and Swell Nathan picked me up at the airport. The plane was really crowded, so I was in the back of the swell of people headed toward the baggage claim. Jennifer told me later that she said to Swell Nathan, "Remember, she's tiny, so we may not see her right away." I saw them before they saw me and started hopping up and down and waving like an idiot. As soon as I got to them, I grabbed each of them in turn in giant bear hugs. We found my suitcase right away and headed to the car. We stopped at Wal-Mart for Diet Dr. Pepper (nectar of the gods) and went back to their house.

Dear Jennifer and Swell Nathan: Please adopt me. I realize I'm a little old, but I'm very neat and clean and hey! At least you don't have to send me to college. Love, Kel.

Their house is like the coolest museum on the planet. Every single way you turn your head, every place your eyes rest, there is something cool to see. It may seem like this would be junky or overcrowded, but they've done a really good job of editing and arranging all their stuff so that nothing seems out-of-place or disjointed.

You may recall that Jennifer and I first bonded over our mutual love of comic books, so I almost passed out when I saw their office upstairs.

( The Office of My Dreams )

We stayed up for a while looking at photo albums and catching up, then we headed to bed to get some rest for what proved to be a very exciting activity: the Epcot Food & Wine Festival!

For a foodie, the Food & Wine Festival is pretty much like dying and going to heaven. I was expecting the food to be very good, but not world-class. I mean, it's Disney, and they're feeding a) thousands of people and b) thousands of people who are not necessarily adventurous eaters. So I guess I was expecting the watered-down versions of the various world cuisines.

Yeah. No. It was some of the best food I've ever had at any time in any place.

Though Jennifer and Swell Nathan, as regulars at Disney, were a bit wary of bringing bags of any kind to Disney (the bag-check lines can be murderous, though they were definitely not on the day we went), I brought a little makeup bag with my money and essentials, most importantly, stomach medicine.

I knew. I just KNEW. That my already-sensitive stomach was going to be, like, "Leek tart and lamb shank and apple strudel and cream puffs and couscous? OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" and rebel. Strangely, it didn't. Despite all the weird shit I managed to eat that day, my stomach never so much as threatened me. It was probably just happy that everything I ate was so, so good.

After we had sampled all the goodness that the Food & Wine Festival had to offer, we made our way to the Magic Kingdom, where I proceeded to turn into a five-year-old. Everything at Disney, even though I've been there three times before, was new and fun and exciting when experienced with best friends.

Best of all, Jennifer and Swell Nathan are the perfect people with whom to have an experience like this: they're laid back and fun, and they're the kind of people who are enthusiastic about everything and think everything is fun, and those are the kind of people who make others happy to be around them.

"Fine, fine, Clothes_Slut, we get it, you had a great time, blah, blah, blah, NOW WHERE ARE THE EFFING PICTURES?!"

Hold your horses! They're right here!

Tampa! Part One

More tomorrow!



Your still-dreaming-of-escargot-en-brioche
Kel

Some of us are celebrating, and some of us are threatening to hang ourselves and/or move to Milan. I must say I'm very disappointed in the results for California's Proposition 8. Don't despair, though; we'll get there.

In any case, the Clothes_Slut has had enough politics for this week. For one thing, my mother is no longer speaking to me.

So let's talk about Disney World, shall we?

This is shaping up to be a banner week - we have a new president, amberle404 and I are making fantastic progress on a Super Top Secret Creative Project, and Friday, I'm flying to Tampa to spend the weekend with avidchick and megarath!

Thankfully, I'm completely over Bacterial Infection 2008, a.k.a. HALP HALP I'm Gonna DIE.

Kel's Immune System: 1

Streptococcus: 0

Among other things, including, but not limited to, DISNEY WORLD, Jennifer and Swell Nathan are taking me to La France Vintage Store, a vintage clothing store in Tampa.

I'm just going to tell you right now that chances are good to excellent that I'll start speaking in tongues the moment I walk through the door.

We're also going to an authentic Thai temple to - what else? - eat. Jennifer and Swell Nathan, like yours truly, delight in anything Asian, seasonal, hard-to-find, and just plain WEIRD. I can't wait to see what's cooking at the Thai temple.

(I'm going to wear my highest heels, talk in a gravelly voice and pretend to be Anthony Bourdain.)

I'm so excited about this trip, I'm surprised I haven't broken out in hives yet. Harley Quinn and Batgirl will be together again!



Your eagerly waiting
Kel

My friend amberle404 sent this to me today, and I nearly died from aspirating Diet Dr. Pepper.

So I made one to show you guys. Because we all know we're going to die of choking-related causes.

It's only a matter of time.

(Yeah. I put my name as Kelly Rollins. A girl can dream, right?)



No time for my usual carefully-crafted blog entry today (STOP LAUGHING). Too busy working on my Halloween costume...

Wait for it...

WAIT FOR IT...

NIBBLER!!!



Clearly, I decided that I had way too much dignity and needed to correct that situation on Halloween. By wearing a diaper and an eyeball on top of my head.

Say it with me now: NERD.



Your crafty
Kelly "That's LORD Nibbler to You" Rollins

Life Mission No. 286: Accomplished

Phone: Ringring

Kel: "Hey Mere of Mine! You're never gonna believe what I did tonight!"

Mere: "What? What'd you do?"

Kel: "Listen!"

*Puts phone down*

Kel (in background): "CHIHUAHUA! Velociraptor!"

Chihuahua (in background): *Jumps around and barks madly like a rabid Chihuahua*

*Picks up phone again*

Kel: "Well? Whaddya think?"

Mere: "WOW."

Kel: "Come on! That's awesome! My dog attacks velociraptors!"

Mere: "So what have you done this evening besides teach your dog to bark at more stuff?"

Kel: "That's...about it. GOD, MERE OF MINE. You make it sound like I haven't been busy. I accomplished Life Mission Number 286!"

Mere: "You don't aim real high, do you?"

Kel: "Oooh! I wonder if she'll do it for zombies too!"

Mere: "Oh God..."

Kel: "CHIHUAHUA! Zombie!"

Chihuahua: Goes apeshit

Kel: "Heee! Chihuahua's a genius!"

Mere: "Kel, she only does that because you point at Lola when you say 'velociraptor' or 'zombie.'"

Kel: "NO WAY. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES CHIHUAHUA HAS SEEN JURASSIC PARK?"

Mere: ...

Kel: "Life Mission Number 287: accomplished."

--------

And now I'm kind of thinking that the person who accused me of doing drugs may have had a point.



Your accomplished
Kel

Mouse: "I saw the coolest commercial the other day. I'm sure you've seen it."

Me: "Really? What was it?"

Mouse: "Do you remember the Spy Hunter game from the 80's?"

Me: "No."

***DEAD SILENCE***

Mouse (quietly): "You have no culture."



Your backwards
Kel

Mah Birfday

Happy 31st birthday to me!



Your happy
Kel